Last Night...

I dreamed the most vivid dream I’ve had in a while.

I dreamed of cramped rooms, and ugly, worn-out, lopsided furniture. Of strangers, coming-and-going, of cold food and cheap hot chocolate.

And I learned that even though I love it now, I truly cannot wait until the day that I’m no longer a starving college student.

I dreamed of small children, loud voices and demands, and an exhausted mind. Of tired arms and legs. Of terrible grades and wide, exuberant smiles.

And I learned that mentoring is a fun job, but teaching is not something I could do permanently.

I dreamed of that first boy who, in his small junior high (and part of high school) hand, held my little-girl heart and didn’t ever know it. (But that was fine.) And his face blurred, shifted, changed, morphed (dreams do that) into the first boy who held my heart knowingly. Who, though he knew I’d waited for over 21 years to finally feel this way, thoughtlessly broke it as he cruelly tossed it aside for someone else’s.

And yet, knowing this, knowing full well in the dream what he had done in life, I didn’t want to wake up. Because somehow the pain of reality became only an afterthought in my dizzy, fuzzy subconscious. Because (subconsciously) I once again felt the warmth of his hand in mine, and the beautiful safety of an embrace that was meant only for me. (He may have kissed me, but that definitely was fictional, because I’ve never been kissed. Haha.)

And I learned that I’m innocent. I’m naïve. More often than not, I’m a coward who finds it easy to stand up for others, but never for herself. I learned that I have to change that in myself. It may take years of practice.

Yet… I know something.

While this little dream from last night

is better than my current reality,

I realize that 

one day, my reality will be BETTER than my dreams.

No matter how long it takes,

I think that’s worth waiting for, don’t you?

Drumroll Please....

The Things I Accomplished in 2009 

That I Didn't Even Know I Was Capable of Doing

(I reserve the right not to explain any of these)

1. Drove a man to drink (alcohol) to the point where he dropped his precious iPhone in the toilet. I felt bad at first, but after #7, I think it was karma biting him in the butt (haha)
2. Bowled a 125 
3. Took four reading intensive English classes and survived (barely)
4. Did the cartwheel and star in country dancing
5. Drove a stick shift (except I killed it horribly right outside my apt)
6. Helped prepare and cook an entire Thanksgiving feast for 12 people, made-from-scratch pie included (crust and all)
7. Truly forgave after being betrayed and terribly hurt
8. I'm not a crier. I used to think being emotional meant being weak, but I've mended my ways. I have cried, cried, cried this semester. I've cried more in the last four months than I think I have all of my 21 years combined. I've cried about everything. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the happy, the sad... and it's been wonderful

For Reals...

I'm doing my paper today.

(At least part of it...)

Themes of abandonment/attachment

in these three memoirs:

Bich (prounounced 'Bit') Minh Nguyen's (prounounced 'Wen')

Stealing Buddha's Dinner

Elva Trevino Hart's

Barefoot Heart

and

Edwidge Danticat's

Brother, I'm Dying

Exciting, no? Not quite.

Let's See...

I read....

Two books by Jennifer Haigh. Mrs. Kimble and The Condition. I'm no good at book reviews, so I'm not going to give you one. Click on the links; they'll lead you to a wee bit of information. I will say this much--I thought them extremely well-written and poignant. There is some adult content, but I've read much more graphic stuff in my lit classes, plus also.... I'm an adult who happens to read grown-up literature. :)

I've also started reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. Well, I started reading the first page, but then I got called away by people and events, but I'll dive in tomorrow! I was supposed to read Grapes of Wrath in high school, but..... I didn't. Yay SparkNotes! I will eventually read that one too.

Have not started that paper. Oh my goodness. I seriously am the worst. It's because I can't stop watching this:

(Over and over and over again...)

Home for the Holidays...

Now that I'm home for Christmas break....

Things to Do Over Christmas Break

1. Go to the Orem Public Library, load up, and read, read, READ! For fun! (reading list to be compiled soon)
2. Watch movies.
3. List all The Things I Accomplished in 2009 That I Didn't Even Know I Was Capable of Doing. (coming soon)
4. List all The Things I Learned in 2009 (at least think about them)
5. Make my New Year's Goals for 2010--first goal is to make five feasible goals
6. Change my blog. Because I'm bored again.
7. Finish my last paper. Sigh.
8. VEG. VEG. VEGGITY-VEG-VEG. Let my brain go to complete mush before January 11, 2010.

What are your plans for Christmas break?

Finally!

The semester is over!

I feel so light!

Even though I stuffed myself with

chocolate molten cake from Chili's

lemon poppyseed muffins

Little Caesars pizza

crazy bread

apple juice

Look what I can do!

This lift is called "the Star"

I got up in the air my first try!

P.S. Yay, Glee! Will and Emma! Oh my--what will the month of April bring?!

Coming soon: Things to Do Over Christmas Break

At Least It's Over...

I just failed my final paper.

Three pages instead of six.

Three sources instead of five.

*Sigh*

Gleeful!!

Yeah. I know.

Get back to studying for Funda's final.

Remember how you failed those quizzes?

You need this grade!!

But how can I when this makes me

so happy?!

And studying makes me so NOT happy....

Have a Glee-ful day!

(The finale is tonight, you know)

:)

200!!!!

My 200th post. These hundreds don't fall on cool days.

I have nothing to say. Other than I will fail Multicultural Literature because I simply don't have time to write the paper. I will also do crappy in African Literature. My poor GPA. I really wanted to do "write" by you. But unfortunately, I have the bad habit of thinking I can do more than I'm capable of. Depressing? Absolutely.

But David Archuleta's Joy to the World is the iTunes Single of the Week. Yes. It has been downloaded. What could be better than free David Archuleta? I won't deny that I have a crush on him. And an even bigger crush on his voice. Why would I deny something I have a testimony of? That's just not the way I roll.

Yes. There is joy in the world. There'd be even more if there weren't any snow. And if there were no such thing as finals week.

Speaking of which... good luck to my fellow students at USU! You can do it! (Even if I can't.)

The BFF...

is the truly talented one!

(Kelli is the second soloist)

Isn't she gorgeous?! :)

(She'll probably kill me for putting this up)

Don't Hide...

your light under a bushel

is what they say.

Check out the country dancing performance

of a lifetime! (HAHA)

(I could probably fit, but you couldn't hide my partner under a bushel if you tried. We will end up the couple on your far left. Boo the boy who decides to stand up and block us. Sorry, it's not a very good video, but you get the idea!)

PS. We beat BYU!!

I almost cried tears of joy as I screamed,

"Winning team, losing team, winning team, losing team!"

It was just a magical night!

Go Aggies!

Come to the Fun Park!

I am doing my country dancing performance

tonight at 10:30!

My dance partner is 6'6"

I get to jump on his shoulder.

And at the end....

He will dip me.

And then....

I will dip him!

And PS. Hel--LO?!!! USU vs. BYU in basketball! I canNOT wait to slaughter them. I will be pulling out all the meanness I can muster, which means I will whisper, "You suck!" under my breath. I know. Be afraid, Cougars, be very afraid!

I Can't Believe I...

spaced my meeting for work last night!

Completely forgot to go. Wow. That looks really good on my part. I broke my phone. I didn't have a reminder. I'm fully brain-dead. I'm so stressed out.

I know it's cliche, but I really do think I would forget my head if it weren't attached to my body. But I still doubt the strength of that attachment anyway. Yeah. I think my neck is feeling a little loose at the moment. That's a bad thing, right?

It's been a crazy, awful, stressful, good, fun, terrible emotional rollercoaster. If I were somebody (like a professor) listening to all my troubles and heartaches, I would definitely forgive me of any goofs, and then I would say something like, "Oh Chess, don't worry about that last paper. It won't affect your grade. You've had so much to deal with!"

Or maybe, "Oh Chess, forget about the rest of your reading and homework, I know you've tried so hard, and it's your effort that really counts!" (HAH!)

Or even, "Oh Chess, don't worry about that meeting. You didn't miss much." (That last part I know for sure.)

But that's just wishful thinking.

Oh my goodness. I'm so tired. My body's tired, my brain's exhausted, and my little heart may just give out one of these days.

I need a break.

Dear Boy,

You were my wish come true on 11:11.

I'm just sad I wasn't yours.

You Know You're Best Friends With Someone...

when you get through a crisis that would

DESTROY

a friendship on TV or in a movie.

It's hard because the crisis isn't gone

or it isn't finished

because it's still there

But you manage to look past it,

to laugh about it,

to forgive and to comfort,

And you still LOVE each other!

I Love Lists...

I really do.

There's just something amazing about having a column of things to do and then crossing each item off one by one. (I like to add things to my list that I've already done, just so I can cross them off.) December is a favorite month for me, because I get to write lots of lists, and they're usually fun ones, instead of depressing ones that only list all the different homework assignments I have.

So here is a list of all the lists I will make next month:

• Things to Do Over Christmas Break
• Books to Read Over Christmas Break
• Movies to Watch Over Christmas Break
• Things I Accomplished in 2009 That I Didn't Even Know I Was Capable of Doing
• Things I've Learned in 2009
• New Year's Resolutions for 2010

(Eventually, as each list becomes a reality, there'll be a link to it on this post.)

What's on your list today?

Thankful For...

• The Old Man Upstairs. He really, really cares about me. I like his Church a lot too! I believe it's true, because I'm a better person because of it. :)
• My fam. They care too. All the meals at A&W testify that it is true. Because R-O-O-T-B-E-E-R-F-L-O-A-T spells LOVE better than any other way I know.
• My five (we'll say seven) roommates. Oh, my roommates! They are my best friends and my sisters. Four of us have been through the best and worst times of our lives together--for almost FOUR YEARS. One is married and one is on a mission. Our two newer roommates are more than we could've hoped for. All seven of these ladies are strong, beautiful women, and they've helped me become who I am today (which is sooooo much better than four years ago). I love you Traci, Ashlie, Cortnie, Megan, Erica, Abbie, and Allie!!!
• For my friends. I could try to name them all, but I'm just so popular that it would be impossible. HAHA. No, I'm kidding. It's just, when I name my friends, I want to name all the wonderful things they've done for me, and that's what is impossible to do. But to Kelli, Mike, Joe, Katy, Jessika, and the goofballs back in Orem. To Garett, my new best friend. To my Mentoring posse (Kelsie, Lauren, Dan, Ted, and Tyler). I love ya! I really do.
• School. I am grateful for that too. Especially basketball games. I have a testimony of the Aggie basketball team. As I've sung the fight song and the Scotsman, I've felt the Spectrum Spirit testifying to me they are true. I'm grateful for stupid English inside jokes, for all my English major friends (Kayce, Rachel, Bonnie, Lindsie, Amy, Bobbijo), for the smell of fresh paper, the feel of new notebooks, and the crispness of words traced with a beautiful new pen. Despite the crappy, drafty, box-elder bug infested building, rickety desks, dirty carpets, smelly bathrooms, the nearly boy-less English program, a stack of books higher than my knee (see below),

(Seriously? How is that fair?)

I have learned a lot. Though, now that I think about it, what I learned did not occur in the classroom, which leads me to say that I'm thankful for

• Life. You are a bummer sometimes, giving me so much homework that sleep is just a mere memory, resulting in me getting really sick, and throwing things (people) at me that make me act like an awkward person, (and don't even get me started on the snow!!)... But, Life, you've opened my eyes, and you've opened my heart, and my mouth, and my hands, and my arms. So, even though I have no idea what I want to do with you, I'm a better, fuller, friendlier, more open and open-minded, more loving, more trusting, kinder, and happier person because of you.
• You. I may not know you, but you matter. You matter to our Heavenly Father and you matter to me. You make a difference in this world, for better or for worse. Hopefully for the better! And if not, you can always change. Choose a smile over a frown, a hug over a punch, and service over apathy. Why? Because a smile has more healing power than you can ever know. Because a hug can change people's hearts. Because an act of service can save a life.

I know,

because smiles, hugs, and service have saved mine.

And I'm thankful for that!

Happy Thanksgiving!

R.I.P.

Remember my phone? Indestructible Clark?

Well, that little situation of him falling out of my pocket while I was on the balcony repeated itself today, but Little Clark gave up the ghost on the icy asphalt below. Poor little guy!

Serves me right for being late to FHE.

I Think My Destiny Is...

To be awkward.

To think about awkward things.

To be plagued with awkward things.

To say awkward things.

To feel awkward.

To look awkward.

To laugh awkwardly.

To smile awkwardly.

Not to mention all the agonizing I will do later

because of all my awkwardness.

And yet.... because I know

I will just consistently be awkward,

my awkwardness will cease to have meaning.

Kind of like the word awkward has ceased to have meaning,

because I have said it so many times.

(I even think "awkward" has an awkward spelling.

I mean, really?

Two W's and a K?

It just looks funny!)

There's no particular reason for this post.

I'm not hiding anything. It's just one of those things

you think about, and you say,

"Yeah, that's me. Not much I can do about that."

Yet, In Retrospect...

It wasn't that fun at all.

Monday night's fun was more in the

unexpectedness,

But after last night (Tuesday)...

No more.

Nope.

Not gonna happen.

Because tonight's goodbye told me

I can't handle it right now.

I hate goodbyes.

Oh Boy...

HAHAHAHA!!!

Wow.

I just don't know what to think sometimes....

But,

I would say last night was fun.

Yep.

:)

(I think Cody would classify this as vague. He would be right.)

Can I Get a Huzzah?

I got past yesterday! I got all the urgent homework done and submitted.

AND I watched an episode of Glee! (I'm so hopelessly behind. School and life....well, it's been a nightmare.)

Today, I will do more homework. I got up and made my roommate breakfast before she had to take the Praxis, and then I went back to bed. I don't know what it is about early morning naps, but they always seem to have the best dreams. Like, seriously, the best dreams. :)

Waking up from them is the worst.

It's like somebody said, "Here's the fuzziest, warmest sweater on earth--the most perfectly warmed mug of hot cocoa--the best, lovingest, squeeziest, most delightful hug that lifts you off your feet--a slice of richly frosted chocolate fudge-y cake--an hour of gut-wrenching laughter--a spoon and a jar of no-calorie peanut butter that tastes just like the real thing--the most perfectly written book--David Archuleta serenading you with his dulcet voice--a brand-new pair of Utah State sweatpants--new, fresh, beautiful mail--the cutest text message in the world--"

...waited for you to open your arms...

...then took it all away and said, "Just kidding."

Seriously. That's what the dream gods told me. And they laughed.

I bet you're thinking, "Well, now, that couldn't get any worse."

Oh.

It could.

That magical dream was wrenched away from me, and I woke up to see it snowing.

I bet you're crying with me right now.

Thank you. Misery loves company.

Hurry, Hurry, Hurry...

is what I'm chanting to myself this morning.

It's 6:47, don'tcha know.

I've been up around 5:30 or 6:00 for the last three mornings.

I think.

It all kinda blurs together after awhile.

So much homework.

So much reading.

So much writing.

And all before Thanksgiving break.

When I come back

there will be

So much homework.

So much reading.

So much writing.

But you know what makes it worthwhile?

The peaceful time I get to spend...

praying

and

studying my scriptures

(I say "my," because once you start studying

and really paying attention,

well, the scriptures really do become your own)

before I do my homework.

I think it helps me not be crazy.

And not cry.

And not throw things.

And not cry.

And not think mean things in my head.

And not cry.

(I fail this one almost every day.)

This post is kind of sad. I'm feeling kind of sad.

I predict a sad kind of week.

Melancholy mixed with a little despondency.

Sorry.

(Apology to Cody for being vague. See below for vague details.)

I'm being vague. I feel vague.

I think it's because admitting the specifics

(happy or sad)

makes me feel

VULNERABLE

and I don't like it.

So I'll end here and wish you

Happy Weekend!!

(with no melancholy or despondency)

11:11...

I believe in wishing on 11:11.

After years of wishing, a wish finally

came true for the

first time

this year

I won't tell you what it was,

but

it was magnificent!

Tonight

is November 11

also known as 11/11

Wishes are especially powerful

when you wish at

11:11 on 11/11

So just imagine

how amazing the

wish you make

on November 11, 2011

will be!!

What will you wish for?

(Don't tell, though, because it won't come true!)

I Miss...

Drawing sometimes.

I drew this today for my roommate.

What do you think?

Ode to...

My favorite foods (as listed here).

Well. No. It can't really be an ode, because it's not poetry. But it is poetry! I mean, the food is poetry in my mouth, but this post is not.

I guess you could call it a tribute. A tribute to the poetry that is the delight that is the mingling of the tingling that is Diet Coke and the melting of Cheddar Jalapeno (how do you do the little squiggly above the "n"?) Cheetos upon my tongue. 

Did you get that?

So I've always loved Diet Coke, but it wasn't until Kelsey inspired me with her public dedication (I think I may have even Googled the exact same image! Oh my!) to that beloved beverage that I thought, "Well hey! I love it too, and I have a testimony of the truthfulness of its deliciousness, above all that I ever before tasted. And it is desirable above all other cola products, so I want others to partake of it also."

I know that Diet Coke is real. I don't think it, I know. I've tasted it for myself. I also know that Cheddar Jalapeno (for reals, how do you do the squiggly?) Cheetos are true, as far as they are munched correctly. And by that, I mean you need to buy the big family sized bag and down the whole thing in one evening. 

And if you don't know this for yourself, well, you need to find out. 

Because, obviously, you are missing something essential in your life.

Amen.

Yummy-Yum-Yum...

My favorite foods are:

+

Dank and Dreary...

is how I would describe today. Misty tears are falling from the sky and clinging to my hair, and the cold air just seems to sink right through my coat and land in my bones. I get inside and I just can't seem to stop shivering. My mind is cold, my body is cold, and my emotions are chilled too. I just want somebody to wrap me up in a big hug and never let me go.

I despise this weather. It's so depressing.

Can I tell you some things that made me happy the other day?

I went to work on Wednesday, and I was the first one there, so I went to the classroom next door to get the key to unlock our classroom. The teacher gave it to me, and when I went to return it, a little seventh-grade girl called out to me that she liked my shirt. I smiled at her and told her thank you. As I left, I heard her say wistfully to the rest of the class, "She's pretty."

It done my little insecure heart good.

We had our little Halloween party that afternoon, with Halloweengo (Halloween Bingo--haha!) and pumpkin decorating and donuts. One of the little boys (he steals chocolate milk for me) had to leave early--his dad and his little sister came to get him. (She is the most darling little child I have ever seen in my life!) So we gave him a donut to take with him, and did he eat it? 

No, he did not.

He gave it to his little sister. Completely melting the hearts of his female tutors. Oh my goodness. It made me wish that I had an older brother to take care of me. I'm the oldest, so I don't know what it's like to have someone really look out for me--that's always been my job--so I'm jealous when I see older brothers and sisters taking care of their younger siblings.

So all you cute brothers and sisters.... I love it! Stay that way! You make me want to be a better person! 

I don't feel so dank and dreary right now. Plus there's a basketball game and a Spectrum seat with my name on it tonight.

:)

MFEO...

is a new acronym I learned today in class. Thanks Bonnie!

Apparently, you are "meant for each other" if at the Pumpkin Walk you run into somebody you didn't particularly want to see at that moment. Interesting. I once ran into this person at Tummi Yummi. What does that mean? What if one day I run into him at Wal-Mart? The post office? Honk's?

I will truly believe in MFEO if in a year from now I run into this person while purchasing an Asiago cheese bagel at Einstein's. Mark it. November 2010. 

Speaking of food. I was really excited today. 

I was HUNGRY!!! Do you know how great that is? I've been sick for so long, and I haven't wanted to eat at all. I'm three pounds lighter than I was a week ago, and today I was starving! It was such a good feeling to eat.

Plus I slept for nine hours.

It was a good day today.

Except for that nasty bit called snow. Could've done without that part. 

Yep.

Check It Out!!

I have a new 'do!!

My Voice...

is pretty much the ugliest thing I have ever heard.

Second ugliest is my voice laughing.

Third ugliest is my voice singing.

I guess that's what happens when you miss three days of school because you are coughing so much you can't breathe.

Good news is, my ugly, ugly voice guaranteed me an extension on my African lit paper. 

"No, I definitely don't need a doctor's note from you."

--Dr. Graham

Coughing Up a Lung...

Is not my idea of a good time. The inside of my throat is all raw and it hurts to breathe.

Don't worry. 

I don't have the flu. I would know if I did. There are certain flu-ey feelings you get, and I don't have them. Also, even though my nose turns up at the end, it is not a piggy nose.

All I want is a big, steaming bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup, and someone who will tuck a big blanket around me and let me lay my head in their lap. An extra bonus would be that they would run their fingers through my hair.

But nobody is making soup and I don't have anybody to snuggle with. 

If I Had a Phobia...

besides Arachnophobia (ever seen that movie? It was terrifying!), it would be....

my-fear-of-not-being-able-to-find-a-bathroom-when-I-need-one.

Does that one have a name? Cos I'm pretty sure it's a legitimate fear.

I have this recurring dream where I'm trying to find a bathroom, but I just can't. Sometimes, I am even in this huge kind of locker room, where there are rows and rows of bathroom stalls, but I can't find one that I can use.

The toilets are disgusting, or there's no toilet paper, or no toilet seat, or the handle to flush it is broken, or there are no seat covers. Or maybe they are leaking and there are deep, questionable puddles all over the tile. Sometimes the toilets are so high that the only person who could possibly climb up there would be Paul Bunyan. Sometimes there is no door. Sometimes there's a curtain, but for whatever reason, the bathroom is extremely windy. I don't know how a bathroom can get windy, but this one does.

I'll walk and walk and walk, and look in all of them, and need to go really badly, but I can't. And it's such a terrible feeling.

The worst part? I've had this dream over and over again.

It reminds me of Harry Potter, where Dumbledore needs a bathroom and the Room of Requirement provides him with a bounteous supply of chamber pots.

I don't need thousands of bathrooms. Just one working, clean, sanitary toilet (preferably one that automatically flushes) with plenty of double-ply, quilted toilet paper and a door with which to conceal myself.

Thank you.

Don't Tell Anyone....

what I am about to tell you.

I'm jealous of the middle-schoolers I work with. 

I covet their snacks at snack time. 

I do not have a snack time. If I want a snack, I have to provide for myself. Which is totally lame. College kids need a regular snack just like other kids do. What stinks is that there is always extra snacks left over in the cafeteria. Leftover chocolate milk, leftover rolls, leftover bananas, leftover cookies, leftover whatever.... Unfortunately, according to whatever legalese provides these snacks, nobody but the children is allowed to eat them, otherwise snack gets taken away.

I always bemoan the fact, and one time, I expressed a heartfelt desire for chocolate milk. That afternoon, one little kid (who will only converse in Spanish) heard me, and that afternoon, I found a chocolate milk carton sitting in front of me. I recognized it immediately as cafeteria contraband, and felt dangerous just poking it with a finger. (I have since been the recipient of additional cartons of mentor-banned chocolate milk.)

Should I have politely rejected the offer? Yes. Should I have returned the chocolate milk to the sweet little boy who only wanted to be helpful? Yes. Should I have urged him to quickly remove it from my sight and drink it? Yes.

Did I do these things?

No, I did not.

I opened it. 

I swigged it. I swigged them all.

I. 

Am.

A CRIMINAL!!!

What Does Make Sense Is...

the Gospel.

No matter how confusing everything else in/with 

life

love

school

work

family

friends

the Gospel

remains 

in

BEAUTIFUL SIMPLICITY

Because

what's not to understand about

Loving one another

Serving one another

Hoping for the best in yourself

Hoping for the best in others

and not just hoping either

but working too

because

it's NOT always EASY

to love

serve

and hope

but it makes sense

and it's worth it!

Because I think being

unhappy

unhelpful

unfaithful

and 

hopeless

is the most WORTHLESS and TIRING

not to mention CONFUSING thing

ever.

So wear yourself out in 

the Gospel.

It makes sense

and

You'll never be sorry.

It Doesn't Make Sense...

That the one day I'm allowed to sleep in, I can't.

So not fair.

I woke up today at 5 am. Wide awake.

I've been up ever since.

Here's what I accomplished by 11 am:

- Wrote in my journal for an hour

- Talked to my roommate

- Cleaned the kitchen, loaded and ran the dishwasher, swept and mopped the floor

- Cleaned the vanity

- Cleaned the bathroom

- Vacuumed the entire apartment

- Made my bed and straightened my room

- Straightened the living room

- Studied my scriptures

- Cooked and ate breakfast

- Wrote a letter

- Helped put a birthday package together for Megan (on a mission in Denmark)

Phew!

Now I have to:

- Read two-ish books

- Write a paper

- Do an annotated bibliography

- Study for my test on Wednesday

This makes me want to:

- Run away

- Cry

- Avoid it

Happy Weekend all!!

Have some fun for me!

Isn't It Funny...

How one week will drag on forever? Like, it's Monday, but you feel like you've suffered through four days already? Or it's ten in the morning but you feel like it should be five in the afternoon? Or you've walked two blocks to campus, but your body just knows it has run for two miles?

And then another week you wake up, fully expecting it to be Tuesday morning, and lo and behold! you're actually waking up from your Friday afternoon nap? 

I kind of like that feeling. 

I like the feeling you get when your roommate makes you pancakes in the morning, just because.

I like the light-headed feeling you get because you can't get enough air because you've been laughing too hard.

I don't like the craziness you feel of missing someone because you woke up on a Friday and realized you hadn't seen him since Monday. 

But I like the feeling of knowing you like someone enough to miss him when he's not around.

I like the feeling of waking up toasty warm in the morning and knowing that your feet aren't clammy and cold.

I like the feeling of warm oatmeal and apples and milk in your mouth.

I like the feeling you get when you write a silly blog talking about all your feelings.

What are you feeling today?

I'm Falling...

Asleep.

Please help me!

I have two assignments due tomorrow

and I can't concentrate.

And life is confusing. In a good way. 

Mostly. 

But still confusing.

And weird.

Plus bizzare.

And also strange.

Like I said.

In a good way.

Almost entirely.

I think it's because

Almost everything makes me laugh.

I'm Exhausted...

I can't remember everything.

I forgot to do an assignment today. Completely spaced it. It won't really affect my grade, but I'm just frustrated that I can't seem to keep on top of things. I'm stressed and distracted and my mind is totally fried. I've cried more in the last week than I have in the last three years combined, I think.

Taking four English classes is really taking a toll on my sanity.

I Have This Innate Need...

To be liked.

By everyone. It's not a vain thing. It's just how it is. I don't think I'm particularly great, but I can't stand people hating me.

And there is a boy in my country dance class who hates me!

He hates my guts!

I'm not even kidding. Last week, he did a dip or something with me, and I wasn't sure what he was doing because he didn't lead into it correctly, so I was a little hesitant, so he says, "You're not very trusting, are you?"

I said, "Well, it depends on the move."

What I meant, but didn't say, was, "It depends on the person."

PS. This guy is not very good at all. He thinks he is. But he's not. In fact, he's pretty bad. Which isn't a good thing, because this class is very lift-intense, so yeah. But I trust him to a certain extent. I guess.

So today, we learned new moves. Now I can do most moves that are thrown my way, but I can't remember their names. I just can't. So this kid goes, "Cheerleader?" which is one of the new lifts we learned today, but I couldn't remember what it was, so I paused for a moment to think.

He rolls his eyes at me, lets out a little huff of air, drops his shoulders in exasperation, and says in this snooty little I-can't-believe-I'm-stuck-with-this-loser voice, "Never mind. I won't do it with you." After which he did some lame-o moves with me without once looking me in the eye. When class ended, he scuzzed me off and walked away.

Oh my goodness. I don't think anyone has been that rude to my face since maybe junior high.

Seriously. I feel silly saying this, but it kind of hurt my feelings. It wasn't that I didn't know how to do it, or that I didn't trust him on this one. I honestly couldn't remember what move the name meant.

Ugh.

I want to sic Mark on him. Have him run that jerk *cough*Brandon*cough* over with his motorcycle.

But I won't. Because I'm nice.

And nice people let rude people walk all over them.

Sometimes...

You just have to cry.

Even if there really isn't anything to cry about.

You just have to cry.

No matter how silly you feel doing it.

Or how swollen and puffy your eyes will get.

Or how red your nose will turn.

Or how runny it will be.

Because everything seems 

a little bit better 

after you do.

So go ahead.

I did.

I'm Going to Change....

My major.

I think.

Nothing too drastic. I want to shift my focus to Literary Studies, rather than English Education. You really have to want to teach to be a teacher, and I don't think I want that. Not enough anyway.

I don't necessarily feel delighted by this decision, but I need a degree, and I feel better about it than applying for the program.

Now all I need to do is go talk to my advisor. After I find out who that is. Because I swear it's a different person every time. Plus, I always get their cards, and I always lose them.

Sidenote: I got dropped twice in my dance class. I'm bruised. And it hurts.

Don't You Think...

That if I really wanted to be a teacher, I would have:

• Taken the writing exam
  
• Done my background check
• Finished my CILs
• Done my speech/hearing test (I am scheduled to take it, though)

You know, because the application for the Secondary Education Program is due on October 1st?!!!!!

I'm in very possible danger of not having it completed by then. I'd have to wait until next fall to start.

But somehow I don't care. Maybe I need more time to think about this. Maybe that's why I'm so lackadaisical about it.

I wish someone would tell me what I'm passionate about.

Because I still don't know.

Ever Wake Up...

just knowing you're going to cry later in the afternoon?

Maybe you won't cry out loud. But you'll cry inside. And it'll hurt.

Because there's so much to do, and not enough time to do it, and you don't have motivation to do it, because let's face it, you don't have much motivation for anything? Because even though you know who you are, that doesn't mean you know where you're going with life.

And by "you," I mean me.

And by me, I mean...

I woke up today like that.

The Sword in the Stone...

is such a funny movie.

If you haven't seen it, watch it.

If you have, watch it again.

Oh, how I love classic Disney!

Dear Jason...

Check your FB inbox. All shall be explained.

Love,

Chess

(To the rest of y'all: Hope you are having a delightful weekend! Because if yours was half as good as my Friday night, then it must be amazing!)

I Am...

One of the worst storytellers in the world. I suspected as much all my life, but it wasn't until a couple days ago that someone had the decency to tell me so.

I mean, I think I'm sometimes funny when I write, but telling stories out loud?

I'm just terrible. I don't have the knack for it. Kelli, on the other hand, is the most awesome storyteller ever. She can make something funny out of nothing. Like, for reals.

So.

Sorry if I've ever told you a story. You were probably bored out of your mind but way too nice to say so.

Unghhhhh....

I'm sick.

I have the worst sore throat ever. 

*dives under covers*

Curse you, M---!

You Know You've Failed...

When you tell the kid you're tutoring to get out his homework, and all he does is say suspiciously, eyes narrowed,

"Are you a teacher or a student? Cos YOU look like a ninth grader!"

"Yeah!!! How old are you anyway?!" chimes in another kid obnoxiously.

Sometimes, I think that perhaps education may not be the best career path for me.

Can't imagine why.

There's Something Totally Honest...

about RAIN.

how it smells so DUSTY yet CLEAN at the same time.

how the streets GLISTEN and REFLECT the world.

how your smile SHINES back to you from

a DRIP-DROPPED window.

about a HUG.

how the WARMTH lets you know you're LOVED.

how the STRENGTH makes you feel SAFE.

how your heart HURTS from 

HAPPINESS.

about LAUGHTER.

how it makes the SUN shine BRIGHTER.

how the GOOD just seems BETTER.

how the JOY makes you 

FREE.

Totally Beat...

I'm so tired all of the time.

I'm up late (spending time with special people) and then up early (to do the homework I didn't finish because I was up late spending time with special people).

School seems to take forever and the heat doesn't make it easier.

But I rode on a waverunner for the first time in my life in Willard Bay today. That was fun! Then I took a long nap in the sunshine on the beach. Which in my opinion was the best part of the whole day. You know. Because I'm so tired all of the time.

Naps are my very favorite things in the world. 

Along with the gospel, chocolate, peanut butter, and laughing because I'm happy.

And I'm happy, folks.

Really happy.

Even Though....

I have more books to read than I have fingers...

The heat makes me so sleepy and weak...

I keep forgetting what I'm supposed to do...

I don't have a car...

I don't have any money...

I don't have any time...

My heart and my face just can't help 

smiling these days.

Life is just that good!

:)

Ever Get the Feeling...

That life is just weird sometimes?

That it's not necessarily bad. That it's not necessarily good. It is what it is.

And you think, to a certain point, that you've kind of got it figured out. Not in the sense that you know exactly what's going to happen, but there's a pretty comfortable routine to it. You're pretty comfortable. You've got reasonable expectations about it works because that's how it's always been before.

But then!

Something happens.

And it totally boggles your mind.

It's not necessarily bad. It's not necessarily good. Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it's really bad. It doesn't matter.

Either way, you're called upon to be a little bit stronger, a little bit taller (figuratively speaking), a little more faithful, a little more smiley, a little more you.

And you learn it isn't impossible. In fact, you couldn't imagine ever going back to how you were the day before, even minutes or seconds before. 

Because even though it's hard, (there's just no way it's easy), you know you're better for it.

I think that's the true meaning of power and strength.

When I'm around you (this means you)...

That's what you teach me.

That's what I learn.

It Feels Good...

To be alive.

To be so tired that all you can do is rest your head against your best friend's knee
and let her stroke your hair.

To get the best text messages in a class where you know you'll be raked over the coals
if the professor finds out.

To laugh so hard your stomach hurts.

To smile so happily that it's impossible
for your mouth to stretch any further.

To know that someone will miss you
when you're gone.

To quote an entire movie with your good friend
while you watch it.

To know that Heavenly Father and Jesus
love you.

To love.

Blast from the Past...

I was looking through really old school binders this summer, throwing out old papers and things when I found an old To Do List, and a really weird note.

Physics Notes To Do List 12/20/04

• nothing important
• do everything for group on physics project
• kiss David on the cheek
• yell at Mr. Clark
• kick David in the head
• bring candy for Darren
• tell the kids in front of me they are geeks
• finish project before x-mas break is over
• buy Darren x-mas present
• make fun of Nick
• steal stuff from David

(Can you guess which of my physics partners wrote this list for me while I dozed off?)

The weird note, I'm pretty sure, is from German class junior year. I can remember what everything stands for (except for FA), but I'd like to see what you think.

J.B is an FA because he has CL's and SS's, which is why we've put a FH on his H, because he is a S and he looks like a G.L.

(Joe, I bet you could figure this one out! Haha!)