Last Night...

I dreamed the most vivid dream I’ve had in a while.

I dreamed of cramped rooms, and ugly, worn-out, lopsided furniture. Of strangers, coming-and-going, of cold food and cheap hot chocolate.

And I learned that even though I love it now, I truly cannot wait until the day that I’m no longer a starving college student.

I dreamed of small children, loud voices and demands, and an exhausted mind. Of tired arms and legs. Of terrible grades and wide, exuberant smiles.

And I learned that mentoring is a fun job, but teaching is not something I could do permanently.

I dreamed of that first boy who, in his small junior high (and part of high school) hand, held my little-girl heart and didn’t ever know it. (But that was fine.) And his face blurred, shifted, changed, morphed (dreams do that) into the first boy who held my heart knowingly. Who, though he knew I’d waited for over 21 years to finally feel this way, thoughtlessly broke it as he cruelly tossed it aside for someone else’s.

And yet, knowing this, knowing full well in the dream what he had done in life, I didn’t want to wake up. Because somehow the pain of reality became only an afterthought in my dizzy, fuzzy subconscious. Because (subconsciously) I once again felt the warmth of his hand in mine, and the beautiful safety of an embrace that was meant only for me. (He may have kissed me, but that definitely was fictional, because I’ve never been kissed. Haha.)

And I learned that I’m innocent. I’m naïve. More often than not, I’m a coward who finds it easy to stand up for others, but never for herself. I learned that I have to change that in myself. It may take years of practice.

Yet… I know something.

While this little dream from last night

is better than my current reality,

I realize that 

one day, my reality will be BETTER than my dreams.

No matter how long it takes,

I think that’s worth waiting for, don’t you?

Drumroll Please....

The Things I Accomplished in 2009 

That I Didn't Even Know I Was Capable of Doing

(I reserve the right not to explain any of these)

1. Drove a man to drink (alcohol) to the point where he dropped his precious iPhone in the toilet. I felt bad at first, but after #7, I think it was karma biting him in the butt (haha)
2. Bowled a 125 
3. Took four reading intensive English classes and survived (barely)
4. Did the cartwheel and star in country dancing
5. Drove a stick shift (except I killed it horribly right outside my apt)
6. Helped prepare and cook an entire Thanksgiving feast for 12 people, made-from-scratch pie included (crust and all)
7. Truly forgave after being betrayed and terribly hurt
8. I'm not a crier. I used to think being emotional meant being weak, but I've mended my ways. I have cried, cried, cried this semester. I've cried more in the last four months than I think I have all of my 21 years combined. I've cried about everything. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the happy, the sad... and it's been wonderful

For Reals...

I'm doing my paper today.

(At least part of it...)

Themes of abandonment/attachment

in these three memoirs:

Bich (prounounced 'Bit') Minh Nguyen's (prounounced 'Wen')

Stealing Buddha's Dinner

Elva Trevino Hart's

Barefoot Heart

and

Edwidge Danticat's

Brother, I'm Dying

Exciting, no? Not quite.

Let's See...

I read....

Two books by Jennifer Haigh. Mrs. Kimble and The Condition. I'm no good at book reviews, so I'm not going to give you one. Click on the links; they'll lead you to a wee bit of information. I will say this much--I thought them extremely well-written and poignant. There is some adult content, but I've read much more graphic stuff in my lit classes, plus also.... I'm an adult who happens to read grown-up literature. :)

I've also started reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. Well, I started reading the first page, but then I got called away by people and events, but I'll dive in tomorrow! I was supposed to read Grapes of Wrath in high school, but..... I didn't. Yay SparkNotes! I will eventually read that one too.

Have not started that paper. Oh my goodness. I seriously am the worst. It's because I can't stop watching this:

(Over and over and over again...)

Home for the Holidays...

Now that I'm home for Christmas break....

Things to Do Over Christmas Break

1. Go to the Orem Public Library, load up, and read, read, READ! For fun! (reading list to be compiled soon)
2. Watch movies.
3. List all The Things I Accomplished in 2009 That I Didn't Even Know I Was Capable of Doing. (coming soon)
4. List all The Things I Learned in 2009 (at least think about them)
5. Make my New Year's Goals for 2010--first goal is to make five feasible goals
6. Change my blog. Because I'm bored again.
7. Finish my last paper. Sigh.
8. VEG. VEG. VEGGITY-VEG-VEG. Let my brain go to complete mush before January 11, 2010.

What are your plans for Christmas break?

Finally!

The semester is over!

I feel so light!

Even though I stuffed myself with

chocolate molten cake from Chili's

lemon poppyseed muffins

Little Caesars pizza

crazy bread

apple juice

Look what I can do!

This lift is called "the Star"

I got up in the air my first try!

P.S. Yay, Glee! Will and Emma! Oh my--what will the month of April bring?!

Coming soon: Things to Do Over Christmas Break

At Least It's Over...

I just failed my final paper.

Three pages instead of six.

Three sources instead of five.

*Sigh*

Gleeful!!

Yeah. I know.

Get back to studying for Funda's final.

Remember how you failed those quizzes?

You need this grade!!

But how can I when this makes me

so happy?!

And studying makes me so NOT happy....

Have a Glee-ful day!

(The finale is tonight, you know)

:)

200!!!!

My 200th post. These hundreds don't fall on cool days.

I have nothing to say. Other than I will fail Multicultural Literature because I simply don't have time to write the paper. I will also do crappy in African Literature. My poor GPA. I really wanted to do "write" by you. But unfortunately, I have the bad habit of thinking I can do more than I'm capable of. Depressing? Absolutely.

But David Archuleta's Joy to the World is the iTunes Single of the Week. Yes. It has been downloaded. What could be better than free David Archuleta? I won't deny that I have a crush on him. And an even bigger crush on his voice. Why would I deny something I have a testimony of? That's just not the way I roll.

Yes. There is joy in the world. There'd be even more if there weren't any snow. And if there were no such thing as finals week.

Speaking of which... good luck to my fellow students at USU! You can do it! (Even if I can't.)

The BFF...

is the truly talented one!

(Kelli is the second soloist)

Isn't she gorgeous?! :)

(She'll probably kill me for putting this up)

Don't Hide...

your light under a bushel

is what they say.

Check out the country dancing performance

of a lifetime! (HAHA)

(I could probably fit, but you couldn't hide my partner under a bushel if you tried. We will end up the couple on your far left. Boo the boy who decides to stand up and block us. Sorry, it's not a very good video, but you get the idea!)

PS. We beat BYU!!

I almost cried tears of joy as I screamed,

"Winning team, losing team, winning team, losing team!"

It was just a magical night!

Go Aggies!

Come to the Fun Park!

I am doing my country dancing performance

tonight at 10:30!

My dance partner is 6'6"

I get to jump on his shoulder.

And at the end....

He will dip me.

And then....

I will dip him!

And PS. Hel--LO?!!! USU vs. BYU in basketball! I canNOT wait to slaughter them. I will be pulling out all the meanness I can muster, which means I will whisper, "You suck!" under my breath. I know. Be afraid, Cougars, be very afraid!

I Can't Believe I...

spaced my meeting for work last night!

Completely forgot to go. Wow. That looks really good on my part. I broke my phone. I didn't have a reminder. I'm fully brain-dead. I'm so stressed out.

I know it's cliche, but I really do think I would forget my head if it weren't attached to my body. But I still doubt the strength of that attachment anyway. Yeah. I think my neck is feeling a little loose at the moment. That's a bad thing, right?

It's been a crazy, awful, stressful, good, fun, terrible emotional rollercoaster. If I were somebody (like a professor) listening to all my troubles and heartaches, I would definitely forgive me of any goofs, and then I would say something like, "Oh Chess, don't worry about that last paper. It won't affect your grade. You've had so much to deal with!"

Or maybe, "Oh Chess, forget about the rest of your reading and homework, I know you've tried so hard, and it's your effort that really counts!" (HAH!)

Or even, "Oh Chess, don't worry about that meeting. You didn't miss much." (That last part I know for sure.)

But that's just wishful thinking.

Oh my goodness. I'm so tired. My body's tired, my brain's exhausted, and my little heart may just give out one of these days.

I need a break.

Dear Boy,

You were my wish come true on 11:11.

I'm just sad I wasn't yours.

You Know You're Best Friends With Someone...

when you get through a crisis that would

DESTROY

a friendship on TV or in a movie.

It's hard because the crisis isn't gone

or it isn't finished

because it's still there

But you manage to look past it,

to laugh about it,

to forgive and to comfort,

And you still LOVE each other!