Sad...

I am not a crier. It takes a lot for me to cry. I cry in movies, but you know it's not the same thing. I think I told myself when I was younger that crying meant you weren't strong, and I didn't want to be like that. But I'm not the stubborn ten-year-old I used to be. I realize more than ever that I'm not strong at all. I need help to do things, and I don't like to be alone. Sometimes I do, but not usually.

I realized today that I will most likely fail one of my classes. There is no possible way for me to do the paper in it, and even if I ace the final (I doubt it!), I still don't think I can pass the class. But I might. So I don't know what to do. Take the final or fail and retake the class. It won't really put a dent in my GPA because I've been good all three years. I called my mom so that she could reassure me that I wasn't a bad or stupid person for failing, and she rose to the occasion by listing all of the bad grades she ever got in college. My old boss was with her, and she joined in by listing her bad college grades too. It's horrible, but I felt so much better.

I still felt so upset and stressed, so after I hung up, I went into my closet, turned out the light, closed the door, sat down and just cried. I just felt so silly, and hopeless, and ungrateful, and wasteful, and basically...I was despairing. It's an awful feeling. I don't recommend it. It's just that I had no motivation. I hated the class from the very beginning, but I felt obligated to stay in it because it's so hard to get into English classes because they cap them off at 30, and professors will never sign you in. Nothing in there interested me, and I put off everything to the very end. And now it's laughing in my face. I realize it's all my fault, but how could I do well in something I despised?

I guess I'm just trying to justify my actions. I have no excuse, but really, it was the bane of my life this semester. I can't feel bad about it. I'm trying so hard not to.

Anyway, I needed to run away, so I texted a friend who dropped what she was doing, and she and her roommate and I jumped into a car and went for a drive. We got slushies, and then went down to the pond where we played in the snow. I finally felt human again. Thank God for good friends. They were so sweet!

So what do I do? Take final and most likely fail, take final with the slimmest hope of passing, or fail and retake the class? Cry some more? I feel like it.