I have bad dreams sometimes.

And lately they're about me having to play video games. Like I have no choice.

I can't think of anything worse in real life and now they are invading my subconscious???? And I have no way out of it? Unacceptable!

It's like crap!-buttons-which-button?-oh my gosh-my stupid thumbs-no!-can't get around the stupid track-what? guns?!-running into a wall-ahhh they're shooting at me-drop controller-yes, I really am this bad!-I'm sorry!-stop. laughing.

But in my dreams.

What happened to my Harry Potter dreams where I can fly?

Also, this article about video game accessories is hilarious.

Lying on my back on the kitchen counter and staring up at the ceiling.

Hi guys.

I know.

Where the blankity-blank have I been? (see post title: it's an unusual place, but considering how I've just been floating around in this crazy space in my head lately, I think it makes perfect sense.)

I have been wanting to say something, anything really, but I have felt so silent on the inside the last few weeks. Despite fun days here and there, I think I have been trying not to fly off the handle and go completely beserk, so I've just dialed everything down and zipped my lips (and apparently my fingers) in an effort to keep it all together.

I feel like there are so many things I want to do. But at the same time, I am completely incapable of doing any of them. I want to quit my current job. I need a grown-up new one. I want to buy a car, but I don't know how to go about it. I want to move. Out of the state, out of the country. But where do I go?

I want to send YSB a cheesy card that tells him how I'm crazy mad about him, but it's not exactly Valentine's Day, and I'm a coward. I want to write my brother a letter and tell him I miss him, and I have, but I just haven't sent it. I want to finish that stupid photo album I've been working on for over three years and send it to my birth family, but I can't seem to find the motivation to finish.

I want to quit SLACKING ON MY MARATHON TRAINING because the race is in THREE WEEKS.

I don't understand myself sometimes. Why am I so afraid to go after the things I want? Why can't I finish even simple little projects? Why do these stupid little things terrify and immobilize me?

I hate that I can never be the best version of me that I want. This complacent, boring person isn't me, but I'm not doing a very good job of changing her.

I have this dream of spending an entire day just being brave, and right now, I can't ever see that coming true.

Oh for Pete's sake, this is the worst post ever. Stay tuned for something much better!

I'm feeling way gruesome.

Happy New Year!! I know this is supposed to be a positive time or whatever. Time for new goals and a clean slate and all that junk. I have an awesome list of goals. But right now, all I can think about is dying. Isn't that terrible? But that's what I've been thinking about today. (And I'm scaring myself. It's like when Anne Shirley imagines herself perishing and makes herself cry. Which made me laugh.)

What if I were sick and knew I was going to die? Who would I tell? What would I do? With whom would I spend my last days? What rubbish would I eat? (Doughnuts for dinner or banana pudding? Or both?) What frivolous purchase would I spend all of my money on? Where would I go for my last chance vacation?

What secrets would I confess? (*cough*YSB*cough*)

Would anyone come to my funeral? Would anyone miss me?

Sorry. This is weird. Clearly, I need a break from working so much.

Dear Fellow College Groupies,

This is my last finals week ever.

(Unless I go back to school.)

Bwahahaha.

Unfortunately, I have to complete about fifteen pages of writing between today and tomorrow. Because nothing got done this weekend. Stupid friends. Stupid boys. Stupid everybody that is awesome and that I like so much more than my homework. Quit getting in my way! Furthermore, today has become lots shorter because I accidentally slept in. I is scared. Please send me messages of encouragement, because I feel a nervous stomachache coming on.

I wish you luck too. This is the most horrible/no good/bad/awful/Satanic week of the year and I feel your pain. I shall return your comments of encouragement. Be strong, groupies. Be strong.

On a happier note, I watched Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York this week. Best days of my life. :-)

Half An Hour Ago...

I was spooning mandarin oranges into my cottage cheese...

(a delicious snack, by the way)

...and suddenly, my world was rocked...

LITERALLY.

Folks.... 

There was a 5.0 earthquake here in Utah!

I thought it was just a really big truck that drove by.

Well, at least the sunshine was beautiful and warm today!

Gulp...

I'm nervous, groupies.

Normally, I don't get nervous.

But I'm scared and a little wary.

A lot for tonight (I dunno what'll happen),

A little for tomorrow morning (I have to teach in church).

Still nervous.

Could you come out of the shadows

and give me a little cyber-encouragement?

Thanks!

:-)

PS. There are 99 of you! I can't believe it. The magical 100 is only ________ [insert measurement of time] away! That deserves a celebration. I shall ponder upon it!